That’s the exact quote from an end user. Exact. Well, there’s more, but that’s an exact sentence.

Background:
During an audit of company systems, I came across a VPN user that had 86 processes running. Generally speaking, Windows should be running no more than 25 processes (in our environment). 86 processes is a lot. I power use the crap out of my Vista machine and with 3 full lines of task bar full of open items, I’m still at 72. But I digress.

This user was “accidentally” (you can read purposely by my boss) given administrative privileges to fix a problem about a year ago. Those privileges were never removed. So the user took it upon themselves to download, and install, everything any anything they could get their hands on:
Tivo, Limewire, Blackberry software, Several games, Party Poker, Aim, MSN, Yahoo, Trillian, Cyberdisc player, VLC player, Media Player… the list goes on and on.

We’re standardizing on Windows XP Pro SP3, Office 2007 Enterprise, Cisco VPN Client 5.0.04.0300, New AV, and several other items. This user was stuck on SP2 XP, Office 2003, Cisco VPN 4.8.01 etc. So I needed to wipe this system for two reasons: way too much stuff installed, and too many updates to push over a VPN connection.

I schedule her to bring in the laptop so I can wipe it out and start over.
Me (paraphrasing): Attention employees, Since there are several new malware/trojan/virus programs being released, here are some protective steps to ensure you minimize the chance of infection.
VPN User: I downloaded the product update for my Norton Security Scan, then hit apply, and now it never updated, just keeps going in a continuous loop between apply and update.

So now I have a third reason to wipe this system – who knows what shenanigans the user has been into.

Me: G***n,
We’re doing some housekeeping with machines and you’re next on the list. The housekeeping includes reformatting your computer! Yay! I can tell you’re happy!
But really, sometime before the end of January we should really get that knocked out of the way. Let me know when a good time would be for you to either send the laptop in or bring it on over.
We’d be able to finish everything within about 4 hours – assuming nothing out of the ordinary happens.
Thanks G***n!

VPN User: What exactly does this reformatting involve?

Me: Wiping the machine and starting over – but you won’t lose anything except maybe saved passwords for websites

VPN User: How come that needs to be done? Just curious…..

Me: We’re updating some key components of the systems, and unfortunately most of the work would take far too long over a VPN connection.
Oh and make a list of applications you want on there – i’m sure you have chatting program needs

VPN User: Won’t all the applications I have not be on it afterwards?

Me: All the MNJ Applications will be installed again – SSA/Office/Adobe products

VPN User: Do I have to spend the whole day there?

Me: Well, it takes a good 3 or 4 hours to finish up everything, so it’s not quite the whole day

VPN User: You’re not going to wipe out all my documents and pictures and stuff are you? How about Wed?

Then Wednesday came and went. Thursday morning I email again:
Me: We missed our Wednesday appointment. When would you like to reschedule?

VPN User: I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize we had one. You didn’t respond to me in the affirmative that wed was good for you so I didn’t think we had anything scheduled and with the weather being so bad I figured you were just waiting for a better opportunity. My bad. Tell me whatever is good for you.

Me: Next Wednesday is looking good for me – hopefully the weather is warmer too 🙂

VPN User: Works for me, what time would you like me there? Do you have a desk I can work at while I wait?

Me: The earlier the better – but anytime before 1PM and I should be able to finish by 4PM.
We have desks setup for just this scenario – but they don’t have phones yet. Every other function will still work.

VPN User: No prob, I’ll just forward everything to my cell. I’ll be in by 11 or earlier so as to avoid rush hour….

Me: Anything in the My Documents folder we save, along with your email archives, favorites for internet explorer, and auto name completes for outlook.

VPN User: Is there any possibility of switching our time til Thursday? If not that’s ok.

Me: I cannot tomorrow, but Friday is open

VPN User: Friday would be groovy if it’s ok with you.

Now here is when it gets tricky – due to unforeseen circumstances all of the user’s documents and settings were deleted. I blame offline files, but it could very well be something the user downloaded that infected the machine. Either way, I felt fairly bad about that.

Other than that small hitch, the wiping was a success – everything is now up to date and fully secured. No more administrative access either.

VPN User: Now that didn’t take long, could you put on AIM for me, I use that, not windows messenger

VPN User: Pls install this as well please, thanks.
http://www.tivo.com/mytivo/whatsnew/tivodesktop/index.html

VPN User: I have to reinstall the drivers for my printer, am I going to be able to do that?

VPN User: Could you install itunes for me? Please don’t tell me all the music from my itunes library is gone. That’s even worse than my favorites list cause that cost money……or can you just give me the basic rights to install some stuff? I promise I won’t put on anything bad.

VPN User: I got an iphone over the weekend, can you hook me up so I can get my email on it?

VPN User: Could you pls download this
http://www.adobe.com/support/downloads/detail.jsp?ftpID=3616
or can you just let me download things like I did before?

VPN User: I can’t use my Bluetooth now, when I activate it, it automatically goes to install drivers it won’t complete that because you know why….

Me: I was out most of today so I will have to look at these issues tomorrow.
Thanks for waiting

Tivo sure, iTunes heck why not, Bluetooth yes, Adobe Album ok, Printer driver yes, Admin rights NO.